Call It A Day

Darling, I know how much you love the Saturdays, and particularly their style. So I just had to make sure you knew that they have designed a range with Rare (no, me neither...) and have kindly modelled it above. At least I assume that is them.

So, let's see what we've got, shall we?


1. Wet look wild west hooker.

2. Nashville sweetheart.

3. Dynasty throwback (lost a fight with Alexis Carrington).

4. Blue Peter guide to resurrecting a plain LBD. Glue gun not included.

(Images via Asos)

5. Camel toe.

Yup! I'm sold too...

Pull Your Finger Out

At least I will after seeing those abominable shoes. For the love of all that is good in the world! What exact purpose can there be for creating something that ugly and downright disturbing? TOES ARE NOT FINGERS. THEY DO NOT NEED THEIR OWN SEPARATE COMPARTMENT.

Giving The Finger

(Image via Rubber Sole Shoe Shop)

First there were crocs.

(Image via Eric Persson)

Now we have the Vibram Five Finger shoe.

Sometimes....sometimes there are just no words.

The Mutt's Nuts

(Image via handbag.com)

This is the new advertising campaign for Moncler. It is potentially the best advert I have ever seen. Big up dogs in jackets! Woof, Woof!

Gaga at Glasto

Holy Toledo! Did you see her performance at Glastonbury? It was only The. Best. Thing. I. Have. Ever. Ever. Seen. Ever!!!!!


She was so fierce and put on an awesome show. Seriously, she put everyone else in the shade. FIVE COSTUME CHANGES! At Glastonbury! The girl means business!

My love for her grows by the second. And I saw the Paparazzi video which is insane and wonderful. She can do no wrong in my eyes. I just wait with bated breath until the next amazing thing she does.

Come on Gaga, give us watcha got!

A Change Would Do You Good

For the love of God, when will she be washing the damn thing? Or does she have multiple versions of the same dress?

Really, I start hitting the prozac or the bottle if I wear the same outfit twice in a fortnight. And if I was going to set about on such a hideous experiment I would at least pick something cute to wear. For A Year. She is clearly a masochist of the most hardcore variety, there is no other explanation. Although there is a man I know who owns an undisclosed number of trekking shirts that are exactly the same and it wouldn't occur to me for a second to judge him, so maybe I should be more charitable towards Ms. Matheiken. Maybe.

Commitment Issues

(Images via The Uniform Project)

This lady is Sheenam Matheiken.

She is doing an 'exercise in sustainable fashion' and wearing the same dress in various guises every day for a whole year. EVERY. DAY. For a whole Goddamn year? Are you kidding me? She is 'reinventing' the dress daily by adding layers and accessories, but STILL.

I salute you Ms Matheiken. This would bore me to absolute TEARS.

Cheap At Half the Price

Jordan is such a tireless self-promoter. But evidently she is taking some time off thinking about herself in order to advertise the plight of this little fella.

And what a way she chose to do it! That takes some imagination.

What really takes me by surprise with this whole debacle (the split, not the hideous gold outfit and the dead look in her eye) is that I am squarely on Team Andre.

I didn't see that coming.

Oh, and probably the less said about the che-faux the better. Plus, in a room of terminally tanned people she looks positively radioactive.

The Price Is Right

What worries me is that I find the synthetic hair sweat band (A) faaaar more disturbing than the amount of private area Jordan has got on show (B).   What does that say about me?

Sack It Off

Haha! How well you know me. I was reading that thinking 'Hang on, she said it was a bad idea...and yet...' but I getcha. You're only right again oh wise one.

Let's speak no more of this. Don't those cocktails look nice? We seriously need some park action soon Kerr.

Hit the Sack

First off I just want to point out what a fabulous illustration this is. Is that a monkey serving cocktails while hanging upside down???? That is AWESOME!! We should totally get one for OPT. No?!

But on to more pressing business... I loathe that Warehouse thing. Loathe it. While I see where you are going with it (I fell for something similar with the nude and the neon in M&S and really had to talk myself out of it because the shape and fit really weren't doing me any favours) and I don't blame you for having your head turned I would just like to point out, and do so with love, that it is really, really gross. Please don't buy it.

The shape is just so blah and the colours aren't nearly bright enough to be Nicollsesque and the blending of colours makes it look as if they have been sprayed on. It reminds me of an abstract recurring nightmare that I used to have as a youth that was so horrible that I used to wake up and vomit. Shudder.

Plus the only way that I could imagine you wearing that would be as the sweet young thing of some sugar daddy, lounging by the pool in high heeled mules with lots of gold jewellery, a ciggie permanently in your mouth, a cocktail in hand from 10am, a deep perma-tan gracing your epidermis, lazily wondering if your hubbie has cottoned on to the fact that you are furiously cuckholding him with Diego, the pool boy. Now stop. STOP! I know, I know what you are thinking. That is all sounding pretty good to you, isn't it? Don't be coy! I know it is. But really, darling, think of the Head...

So, in a word: NO!

A Real Piece of Work

Sorry this took me so long. My finger was hovering over the 'post' button for about 20 minutes whilst I tried to figure out if I had slept PIECE correctly. (I hadn't.) But now I'm here and you know what darling? I actually love every single one of those little outfits. Particularly the Reiss number which surprises me. I usually LOATHE a Reiss on principal. And even though on the face of it the word CORPORATE strikes fears into our shared heart, a bit of a weekday uniform isn't such a bad thing. I very definitely have one - OK yeah, it still include bottom skimming frocks but they are DIFFERENT to the bottom skimmers I sling on of a weekend - and it makes life easier.

And I mean, remember Maggie. You can do it, and sister, you can make it WORK.

All Work And No Play Makes Lucinda a Dull, Dull Girl

I thought I was so clever. So damn clever. I thought I was getting away with it. But the inevitable has happened. They are on to me.


I know that my venture into the corporate world proved something of a surprise for many of mes amis. And I know the thing that scared me more than anything else was that I would have to wear some hideous skirt suit every day. And that I have managed to get away with murder by tripping into work in my cute (and decidedly uncorporate) outfits, which has surprised not a few people.

But that is all coming to an end. Having decided that redundancy is just so terribly passé I have sealed the deal on another six months of gainful employment. But it has come with conditions. In fact, just one condition. That I change the way I dress. I ask you! The very cheek of it!


I believe the pertinent words, ones that chill me to the very bone, were: CONSERVATIVE and CORPORATE. Gah! It makes me shudder and gag just to think of it. I feel that my very soul is being torn out of me. That I am being asked to compromise all that I hold dear.


And I am not just exaggerating for comic effect, either.


I think the smart office dress is the only way to go. So what do you think to these?

(Image via Oasis)

Actually please ignore this one - I went to try it on and the fabric is awful and the shape does nothing for me...

(Image via Marks and Spencer)

(Image via Topshop)

(Image via Reiss)

I have had second thoughts about this one too - it is too "Hey I'm not being too corporate corporate" if you get what I mean.

Sack Race?

(Image via Warehouse)

What do we think of this please?

Is it cute in a Richard Nicollesque nudey neon, cocktails in the sun kinda way?

Or is it just vile mumsy sack in fancy dress?

Answers on a postcard to the usual address please. Thank you!

Jolly Roger

OMG, I am borderline obsessed with Roger Federer's tennis outfits. I want him to win every damn match he plays, but mostly because I adore the way he dresses. Didn't he wear a leather belt with his shorts last Wimbledon? Ouch! That's so mean! I was devastated when he didn't win and that comically muscled, rodentine Spaniard who was constantly picking his underwear out of his backside robbed him of his trophy.

Look at them! It's clear who deserved to win...




I can't get enough of his monograms and crests and knitted items and blazers. With the exception of his headband, which I could happily catapult off centre court, he looks like he could be knocking around a few balls at Gatsby's.


Then of course Nuclear Wintour loves him, and she is always right.



IN OTHER TENNIS NEWS: I also love Serena's outfit, she is rocking those harems, only I do wish she would take her fist out of the pocket. What is she doing in there? It looks as though she has some sort of tumorous growth. Ick. But I do love her, mostly since she wore this outfit:

YOWZA!

Just Do It

I mean if you're going to do it...

...you might as well, like...



REALLY do it.

He's going to get awfully hot in all those layers though you know.

(Images via Daily Mail)

Blood on the Dance Floor

I have succumbed to a disco dancing injury. Miss Keddie and I danced the night away at the Kensington Roof Gardens on Saturday night. It was fabulous! Except that once we had decided that the scene was getting tired and that we should skedaddle we crossed the floor one last time at which point some oaf jumped on my foot in some misguided attempt at dancing. I gasped in pain, pushing past the brute who didn't even acknowledge his egregious behaviour, and went to bid adieu to my dancing compadres. As I stood there I looked down to find my foot bleeding quite enthusiastically and not a small amount of my haemoglobin decorating the floor.

I will spare further details for those of a delicate and squeamish disposition, suffice it to say that I will be having trouble finding comfortable footwear for a good few days. What an absolute bore...

New Balls Please!

I can hardly believe I'm saying this. Actually first of all, I can't believe that Serena Williams said this: "I'm an unbelievable designer. I don't know how I know and just do these things...I was born to be a designer"

I wouldn't trust her with a length of yarn and a needle let me tell you. But I saw her in the Lauren sequined harems pants and lo and behold (and despite my better judgement) I liked it! Yeah! I know!

(Image via Contact Music)

Glad to Be Of Service (Or Not)

(Image via FabSugar)

I apologise for the delay and any inconvenience to your onward journey, but I tell you what it was all I could do to just keeping sitting upright and breathing yesterday, such was my hangover. One too many glasses of pink wine at our local on Thursday darling. Agh. However, I am now back in the room and it appears you managed just fine without me!

The glads you have bought are by far my faves. Those Balenciagas are just a variant on the theme of those revolting things that Rhianna was traipsing about in earlier in the year. They make me feel a bit weird every time I look at them. There's something a little....insectoid about them. And teamed with French manicured toes too! I CAN'T TELL YOU HOW MUCH I LOATHE A FRENCH MANICURED TOE. Why would you want your toes to look like little tiny fingers? WHY?

So well done for braving office and actually getting someone to serve you rather than gazing at themselves in the full length admiring thier hair and CHEWING. Always with the CHEWING! They're lovely and I think when it comes to a glad a gentle metallic is always a winner. I like the other pair too. Bravo that girl.

An Office(r) and a Gentleman

So, the saga continues. I expect you have been on the very edge of your seat since I last posted. Will she get her glads? Which will she go for? I MUST KNOW!!!! Well, I can relieve all your angst. I went to KG to buy the silver ones only to be told they had sold out and that the couldn't possibly check if any of their other shops had it in stock. So I nipped into Office instead.

I have a chequered past with Office. Their service is often hideous. And more recently all their shoes have been gross. But pop in there I did. And I thought the ones above were quite a good substitute. What say you? I purchased them, but I'm not quite sure...

What I am sure about is this pair:

(Images via Office)

They look considerably cuter on than in the pic, but aren't they lovely? I am wearing them with the white jean, and I am really quite content with the outcome, even though I probably do look overly summery for a slightly overcast, blustery day. But what the hell? In for a penny!

And the service in Office was amazing, so that made me very happy.

Glad Hand

(Image via Matches)

I need a glad in my life. It has to happen, and more or less immediately. I hated them at first, you know, ten years ago or whenever they first became the thing. I was sure they wouldn't be around for long. But they have been around every summer ever since and in the interim I have grown first fond and now obsessive about them. I MUST HAVE A PAIR!!

I rather like this pair by Balenciaga, although even they are in the sale are still more than I would be happy to spend on a sandal. About two and a half times more.

But then I saw these:

(Image via Oasis)

At first I was incensed by such egregious theft of a design, but then I thought that I probably need them in my life. Especially at £15. Foolish not to, wouldn't you say? They aren't anywhere near as cute as the others but I can't buy them anyway, so I should just get over it, right?

But then there are these:

(Image via Kurt Geiger)

Which I have loved since time immemorial. Well, at least since December. And would be just the ticket with the old white jeans. Dilemmas all round, how can I cope?

Oh, by the way, the KG slip ons were an abberation. Ack!

Brook No Resistance

Those jewelled headbands make me think of Louise Brooks and Clara Bow and all sorts of hedonistic delights. I love Miss. Brooks. I think she is just about the most sensual minx to have ever graced the silver screen. So anything that brings her to mind can only be good.



I like the ones on the right in particular. So as long as you wear it up in the hair rather than like the hippy girl then you have my benediction. And hopefully that would stop the ping-age too.

Honestly though, what was that poor girl thinking? Clearly at the moment the picture was taken she was realising that she had made a fundamental and significant mistake. And that there was photographic evidence. And querying whether she could make a break for it and escape into the bosom of a local convent to be surrounded by nuns who wouldn't condemn and berate her for her woeful sartorial choices before any one else spotted her. But beforehand? In her house? On the way to the event? Why did no one stop her? Is she entirely friendless in the world? Does no one care???

I hate the feather monstrosity atop Miss Holden too, but her wild west brothel madam schtick amuses me at least. The other lady is just a little trajique. Worst of all that god damned behemoth of a bow looks as though it might have been hastily fashioned from her bed sheets. Don't you think? I fear her head might topple under the weight. Or that she might cry.

Head Mistress

Wow. I tell you what, there's nothing worse than a flaccid head bow is there? I'm glad I decided against gift wrapping myself at the last wedding. It was For The Best. But I tell you what, now I've taken on the peg jean and won, my new obsession that doesn't suit me is a bejewelled head band...thing. I rilly want one. But I always look stupid. I think I mush have an extraordinarily large head because whenever I have tried one they always creep slowly upwards until off they shoot...ping! And I mean, I don't want to be pinging a bejewelled band at The Head, or worse still, a vague acquaintance over dinner do I?

(Image via Coco + Kelly)

But I keep seeing things like this and I reeeeeeally like them. Man! What do you think?

(Images via Daily Mail)

Or I could just stick a plume on my head and look like I'd wandered out of a saloon at the OK Corral and straight into Ladies day at Ascot. What do you mean no? You don't like it?