Monday, 15 December 2008

Sweep me off my feet

Dearest heart, what do you think of these little beauties? I am thinking for South Africa. Of course, I don't need them, but they are awfully pretty, no?

Large as life and twice as ugly

All I can utter is, quite!

Nuff said.

Red herring

You are, of course, quite right about the red soled shoes. Surely when something is so much a part of a brand you would have to be a fool to tout your tat, relatively speaking, with such an instantly recognisable defining feature. It saddens me that Mr. Louboutin has been made so bereft by the theft of his sole.

Do you think people buy these shoes in an attempt to fool people that they are more affluent than they really are? Because when they are paired with a Topshop dress on a young pup, is anyone fooled?

It reminds me of people carry designer bags when the rest of their outfit is so decidedly mundane in comparison. I saw one such example yesterday, a woman with a quilted Miu Miu bag worn with a burgundy quilted nylon jacket. I ASK YOU! WTF?!

If your bag is real it begs the question, why are you cheapening it with horrible clothes or have you bankrupt yourself to such a degree (both fiscally and intellectually) with the purchase of said bag that you can no longer afford any clothes that aren't entirely hideous? Spend your money more productively and buy some decent togs. And if it isn't real what exactly is the point of paying for a badly made knock off that isn't going to hoodwink anyone?

OK, rant over. DEEP BREATHS! And relax! Phew, I'm ok now...!

Blaze a trail

As to the blazer, I don't know if she even wore one, but it just reminds me very strongly of Rebecca de Mornay in Risky Business. And unless I'm very much mistaken she was a lady of the night, a scarlet woman, a street walker, a doxy, une fille de joie, a stumpet, a floozy, a harlot and a tart. And probably worse than that I imagine she would have worn it with nothing but a red lacy teddy underneath and pointy red leather courts. [Shudder!] And then would have seduced Tom Cruise on public transport. There is nothing appealing about that, surely.

The only way that a blazer of those dimensions looks charming is when it is an actual man's and he has draped it over your shoulders at a black tie do, to suggest that his freezing pecs are but nothing in comparison with yours.

Leopard lament

I am so traumatised by the loss of the leopard brooch. I can only imagine how you feel (although the thought of the untimely demise of the fugly necklace you bought me brought a few tears to the eyes, I have to admit) and would like to offer my condolences.

His glorious ability to tighten that jacket and fug it up at the same time was second to none. We wish him well on his journey to the disco jungle in the sky.

He will be missed.

Quite the challenge!

OK, Mrs. Rowan. That's how you want to play it, huh? Three posts at a time. Right, I've got to step up and show my mettle, I guess!

So let's start with the pantsuit.

I think it is utterly charming, as long as the crotch doesn't come up too high, know what I mean? Don't make me say the words... but here is a clue! I am totally into it as long as you enter on a white horse and mimic Bianca Jagger circa Studio 54. Or take Grace Jones as your date and snog her conspicuously all night!

When it comes to the fluffy thing, though, I am not so sure. It could be even more discolicious, or it could be a little Big Bird, no?

Or, even worse...

... it might whiff of Solange Knowles, who I never think is a particular arbiter of taste and class.

But with a gnarly jewell and your snake-like hips I think you could carry it off. And I am all too happy to be proven wrong!

Or, on reflection, styled in a 1930's way with a birds nest updo and a very dark lip, it could all be utterly darling.

Thursday, 11 December 2008

A Fug too Far

You know when I said that a jewel can never be too fug?
It appears I was wrong.

Rouge Rouging


Can we take a look at this shoe please? So, you know when we all had that thing, that 'disposable income' thing? Weren't those the days! Back then it was all about IT bags wasn't it? And then we got all poor and shizz and instead of bags we are now told to lust after shoes. I suppose because they are usually cheaper and we technically have more need for them so we can still be coaxed in to shelling out. Well anyway... so Louboutin is a King amongst shoemakers isn't he? And famous for his red soles. Well I have been spotting red soles all over the place of late. At first I thought "Jeepers! Is this drop in VAT having more of an effect on prices that I dared dream it might?" and then I woke up and realised that the red sole is just being faked all over the place. This one is from Faith, who seem to be really going for it with the red sole thing. It's not kidding anyone is it? In fact it's so horribly OBVIOUS that this shoe isn't a Louboutin, it makes me cringe. It's a perfectly reasonable shoe. But, just, no. I have been reading about how cross it has all been making Mr Louboutin this morning and whilst doing so I learnt that there is a Louboutin style MANICURE to be had. Black nails with red flashes underneath the tip. Look! I found you an image of a gin-u-wine shoe and the nail.
Let's NEVER get that done.

Wednesday, 10 December 2008

Pantsuit and ting

Me again

What do you think of this? I mean, yeah, I know it's a little lacklustre right now but I was thinking of it for a wedding in Spring. All zuzshed up with a little fluffy thing. Whaddya call them. You know, those THINGS made of marabou and fluff. And a nice sparkly something in my hair and a good, dramatic lip? The whole look is dependent on a lot of things isn't it? In THEORY though?

Oh oh!! Look I found the thing I meant. That pantsuit with this, and hair and no carbs or fizzy pop the week I plan to wear it?

Oh, and...

...Whilst I was looking I found this at To'Sho. Isn't it darling? I mean, it could look like you had wandered out to dinner wearing a chap's discarded suit jacket belted with your dressing gown cord but that could work, no? NO? Oh.

A jewel can NEVER be too fug.

Your post was nestling beneath Bonnie Tyler, I didn't see it until just now. And yet! How relevant it is...I shall explain momentarily. Anydiddle, I adore that ring. Get it. It's gargantuan and you shan't be able to lift you hand but frankly, who cares? I'm sure you can get a minion to lift your drinks to you lips for you, and if they misbehave beat them with the hardware.

That said, I have concerns about a fugly jewel. I worry about how they wind their merry way in to your life and make you love them, and then something awful happens and you are left bereft....Lucia, my most treasured fugalicious 'piece' has died a death. (I do so hope that one day I will be able to refer to my jewelery as 'pieces' without irony, rather than just regarding them as an amalgamated heaving and intertwined bundle of metal that sits atop my dressing table growing more and more gnarly by the day - don't you?) The bejewelled leopard karked it last Friday. He had been hanging out and pincering my suit jacket in to a le smoking wannabee for me when, I stupidly made a sudden movement and PING! off he popped along with the pin that held him in place. I am so sad. I actually sat down and gazed at him for a while, with tears brimming and then running down my cheeks like Princess Cheryl's off of the telly. I am going to try and fix him but in the mean time nothing, NOTHING will replace him!!! So do get fuglified, but please don't get too attached.

Thursday, 27 November 2008

If you look anything like this... I don't care I just love you more!

I just say go with it. Be proud and tease your hair some more! Tassles and ruffles and huge hair are good enough for this Amazon among women so they should be good enough for you.
And remember, loving you's a dirty job, but somebody's gotta do it!

When is too fug?

What are your fugly limits when it comes to jewellery? I was in To'sho yesterday and it was fug heaven. It is all so garish and gaudy and Tacksville, Ohio! I honestly couldn't love it any more if I tried.

There is nothing like a bit of tat to pep up an outfit that is marginally too serious or tasteful, in my mind. And I have a sneaking suspicion that you agree.

But what of this little treat? Is it not a bit too sci-fi? Is that a planet swathed in diamante rings from a solar system infinitely more glamourous than our own? Or is it an elaborate version of the children's game of catching a ball in a cup? Would it disable the neigbouring fingers? Would it encourage your levels of aggression just so you could see if it truly was the most delightful knuckle duster you had ever laid eyes on? Does it even deserve all this attention?

I am all Q's and no A's.

Oh! The shame!

Morning Kerr. Shall I tell you what has happened? I have only come to work looking like a gothed up Liberace, that's what. I was a little dopey this morning and confused about what to wear. I had planned on a little dress and pumps, but I tell you what, after a few days of pump wearing my heels are SORE! I'm not sure what to do to stop the soreness (which manifests as a sort of bruised-ish feeling) but that's a whole other issue. I put on a ruffled sleeveless sheer blouse. Wow, even explaining it is tiring let alone looking at it. Anyway. I have that on along with my newly dyed skinnies (credit crunch tastic!). Alone that would have been fine but THEN I pulled on the fringed boots. I am all ruffle, from the front, from the side and then my hair is enormous and looks ruffled from behind...and oh my's just a whole lotta look. What a fool! I'll take a photograph tonight for your amusement.

Tuesday, 25 November 2008

Madam Kerr...a variant on the Le Smoking? I am all for it. I am so bored by the frocks in the shops at the moment. All these jewel colours and double layered skirts, it's all a bit girlbandy for my liking. Much better to get the boobies and the waist working and house yourself elegantly in a high waisted trouser. I was going to go for that look at the last wedding I went to, but alas I am terribly short waisted and I looked as though I was sporting an underboob bandage so I acquiesced, and made do with a frock instead.

So. Yes, go go go. But! I do think you need to apply caution with the top. I think this is where it can all fall down and frumpiness can get it's Ecco shoe shod foot in the door. As I had, oooh, hours to spare this morning I have found a nice goldish coloured top in Principles which might work nicely as well as an alternative, one shouldered slightly ruffled top from Topshop. I fear white might encourage fellow guests to gaze at you imploringly as they wonder what time the canapes get served whereas a different shade might shout 'PARTY' a little louder (whilst still not yelling it.)

I think the jewellery should be discreetly rock and roll (surprise!) also to harden it up a little. Fugly even. There is a fairly fug bracelet in Accessorise which is all ropey and weird which would be fabulous. I LOVE the idea of a slightly dishevelled chignon and a smoky eye. I imagine you will look DIVINE Kerr.

P.S. I bought the wetlook legging last week and tried them on on Saturday. I looked positively INDECENT. The Head commented that I looked "like I was off to some select party - probably held in someones dungeon" and then he tried to grope me. They are going back. It's not a look I can get away with day to day. I think if I had cool edgy hair it would all be fine, but as is, I have enormous girl hair and it is definitely not fine.

Monday, 24 November 2008

Don't want to be all mouth and no trousers...

HT, what are your thoughts on a trouser for a black tie do?

Specifically, a terribly high waisted wide-legged black trouser paired with a (as yet merely imagined) white satin top, the highest of heels, a slouchy chignon, some excrutiatingly tasteful jewellery, my beaded clutch and the smokiest of eyes.

It is my work Christmas party and I want to come across as intelligent, beautiful and entirely unavailable. All the women will be wearing dresses, and I imagine that there might be tits that are not properly housed. I also imagine that there will be shenanigans which I want to avoid. So I am aiming for achingly elegant, effortlessly fabulous and above that sort of behaviour. But I want to avoid feeling underdressed/frumpy.

Advice please!

Wednesday, 12 November 2008

Live the dream!

You might be surprised to hear, Mrs. Rowan, that I have a dirty crush on the wet look legging. It is one of those items of clothing that I adore, going against all reason and indeed my better judgement, until the moment that I convince myself that I might just be able to get away with it and guility and shamefacedly take said item to the fitting room. At which point my dreams and aspirations are dashed as reason comes rushing back to slap me in the face and I weep quietly and vow never again to lust after the damned thing.

Except that I think the wetlook is even more extreme than most difficult items, and not to be considered in any way by those generous of thigh.

So, live the dream for me, and to hell with any suggestion that your legs might look better suited attached to the side of a house (which I don't think would be the case anyway).

In terms of the shoe I am generally in favour of a Stevie Nicks tribute, (isn't everyone?!) but I don't think a fringed boot would work. That legging is far too much of a nasty bitch to put up with a tassle, plus I think you need to flash a bit of flesh down there. So I would like to propose the caged shoe.

But please, please buy it. If ever there was the perfect item for your glam goth look that is it.

HT, in the library, with the drain piping?

Kerr, what are our thoughts on the wetlook legging? I am inexplicably drawn, despite the possibility of a sagging knee region and the fact that with my little leglets, my lower limbs could well end up looking like sections of newly polished exterior piping. And the shoe bothers me. A heeled glad would work perhaps? But in this this climate a bare toe is likely to drop off. A fringed boot is the alternative but I think I might look too 80's Stevie Nicksish. But then is THAT such a bad thing? And is something that is wipe clean worth so much consideration in the first place? So many questions.