Friday 30 April 2010

Leggings Are Not Pants



FOR GOD'S SAKE!

HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS NEED TO BE SAID?!

YOU CANNOT WEAR LEGGINGS IN PLACE OF TROUSERS!

YOU CANNOT!

YOU MUST NOT!

YOUR BOTTOM DOESN'T NEED THAT MUCH EXPOSURE!

YES YOU!

YOU!

YES, I'M TALKING TO YOU!

THAT GIRL ON THE ESCALATOR AT BOND STREET STATION!

WALKING UP IN FRONT OF ME!

WITH LEGGINGS ON!

THAT WEREN'T OPAQUE!

NOT EVEN SLIGHTLY!

AND YOUR LITTLE CROPPED JACKET!

THAT DIDN'T COVER ANYTHING!

NOT!

A!

GODDAMNED!

THING!

SERIOUSLY!

I COULD SEE YOUR THONG!

SURE, YOU HAD A DAINTY BOTTOM, BUT STILL!

I DIDN'T NEED TO SEE THAT!

NO ONE DOES!

AND YES, MEN OF LONDON, I AM SPEAKING FOR YOU TOO!

EVEN IF YOU DISAGREE!

I AM TELLING YOU THAT IN SOME WAY THAT HAS HAD A SCARRING EFFECT ON YOUR SOUL!

EVEN AS YOU WERE COPPING AN EYEFUL!

COVER YOUR BUTTOCKS!

LET'S STOP THE MADNESS!

Tuesday 27 April 2010

Strike While the Iron is Hot


(Images via Glamour)

Doesn't ScarJo look awesome?! I am loving that dress. Different and sculptural without being ugly. And she carries off white without looking horribly bridal like Kate Hudson did when she was promoting Nine. If you recall.

And if you don't recall please feel free to re-live the horror:







Shudder!

The first dress looks like it was crafted out of royal icing for God's sake. And don't even get me started on the shoes...

Sink or Swim

Have I ever banged on about how much I love Eva Green?

I expect I have, I am slightly obsessed. She is just so very pretty. And edgy. And awfully pretty.



Well, while I have never been inspired to copy her penchant for the birds nest hairstyle another love of hers is the plain black swimsuit and that seems to be growing on me.

I've always felt that the plain black swimsuit is just shorthand for "I hate my body, please don't look at me." You know? But when an incredibly hot actress with a perfect figure rocks one, and rocks one haaaard it makes me think that there might be more to it than hiding the less than perfect bits.



In an age when women's bodies are so accessible covering up a little seems a little more tasteful and alluring. Don't you think?

I love this retro style with the low legs. It is so elegant and glamourous. But with my legs already being on the slightly demure side lengthwise I probably don't need to crop them further.



But this suit is kinda cute, don't you think?




And I'm really into this one, although I'm slightly concerned that I might fall out of it, and then the mystery is all shot to hell.


(Images via Figleaves)

But if you do have a less than perfect, waxed and toned and tanned physique are you still just going to look as if you are trying to hide it away?

Friday 23 April 2010

The Sand(al)s of Time



I need to find a pair of sandals from my travels, and assumed I would only be able to find hideous eye-sore "adventure" sandals. But these are cute, right?

Tuesday 20 April 2010

Wedding Belle



I am going to get to rock out this dress at another wedding this year, at the request of the bride, as it fits her colour scheme. So that's cool.

Would I be able to accompany it with this bag, though?



And if I do could I get away with a black shoe? Maybe the Miu Miu...?

Monday 19 April 2010

Clever Clogs

Why oh why do I have to lust after things that aren't good for me?

Skinny jeans.

Wet look leggings.

Mountain climbing boys...



And clogs. Now I can add clogs to the list.

I know I was dallying before, but I didn't think it would go anywhere.

But now I can't stop thinking about them. I worry that I have missed my chance. That all the good ones are gone. That I desperately want them but I won't find a pair I like.



But even if I do (I quite like this pair, for instance), should I just recognise that certain things while desirable aren't going to love me back, aren't going to treat me as well as they should, and that I should just cut my losses before I get my heart broken?


(Images via Aldo)

Cape of Good Hope



(Image via Go Fug Yourself)

Gadzooks! What mischief have we here?!

Sure, all power to the woman for being (ssshhh!) a little bit older, and still having thighs that look like that. But dude, do you really need to show them encased in black lace? With Victorian matron boots? And don't even get me started on the cape that seems to be strangling you with its ribbon tie.

And no, that cheeky little sprite expression on your face won't melt my heart and make me change my mind, you naughty little scamp.

Plus, dang! thems some big ole pants.

Friday 9 April 2010

Come Clean



I am going to be moving house in five weeks. And to avoid the embarrasment of my parental units working out just how much of my money I have frittered away on clothes I have decided to have a sort out. That and the fact that probably more than half of my possesions have been languishing up in the attic for more than two years and I haven't missed them too much.

So a clean out needs to happen. I need to be strict. I need to fill up black sacks. Again. And again. And again. But I am a little concerned.

I have lost about a stone and a half in the last year or so, so certain things will be too big. Is that reason enough to get rid of them? I'm unlikely to wear them again if I do balloon to previous proportions. And the thought of getting back to that size is really too depressing. So all of those things should go, right?

My other concern is that I nearly threw away a pair of boyfriend jeans a couple of weeks ago, but I'm in them today, and loving them, and the thought of throwing something away and then regretting it fills me with dread.

But they're only clothes, aren't they? They don't really matter... If only I actually believed that. But if I did, I probably wouldn't be in this mess to start with...

Dude! Existential crisis or what?!

Devil in a Blue Dress

It's tedious, I know, but it is that time of year when a girl of a certain age has to think about what sort of dresses she might like to wear to the weddings of her friends.

Obviously I will have to make do with something I already own because I can't go spending money like water right now. But it doesn't stop a girl from dreaming.



So I popped in yesterday to Reiss and it appeared that a homosexual man had just spent a coupla grand in there and they were all cooing over him and then congratulating themselves on what good sales people they were. And I found this dress. I actually tried it on in a colour that was (somewhat bizarrely) the midway point between salmon and champagne, and actually very pretty. I thought it was going to be divine.


(Images via Reiss)

But it really wasn't. It hung off me at the top but was overly snug on the bottom, and the draped strips heightened all the parts that no one wants heightened. Everything was wrong with it. Everything! Plus the colour made me look desperately unwell.

So no real temptation there then...

Thursday 8 April 2010

Lo-han Behold

JESUS H CHRIST! I think I have found singularly the least desirable item ever created.



And as if my eyes weren't proof enough of that, the lovely people at Asos have added a few words to deter those who might, for one brief second, have thought they maybe needed this monstrosity in their lives:

"Latex bodice catsuit as seen on Lindsay Lohan."


(Images via Asos)

The prosecution rests.

Wednesday 7 April 2010

Grace and Favour

Wow! I think I'm in love!



Looking at that picture of Grace Kelly in Rear Window in the post below my heart went fluttering around my chest like a school girl clapping eyes on Robert Pattinson.



I am reformed. I don't want to be a bad girl anymore. I want to be Grace Kelly.



Is it a terrible cliché to have a style crush on her Graceness?



Am I too much of a slutty mess to emulate such demure perfection?



Do I even care?



It is love and the heart wants what the heart wants.



And look at what she is reading... It's a sign! See!



So that's that. It's going to be gloves and perfect red lipstick from here on out.

You Do Know How to Whistle, Don't You?

I know I shouldn't be thinking about it.



I know that I am deliberately taking a break from work to get my thoughts in order about what I want to do with my life.



But I can't seem to resist thinking about work. And what I might do in six months. And what I might wear... Aha! You shout. Of course! And you would be right, that would be the only acceptable way to contemplate work at this point, to think about it via the medium of fashion.



And specifically the skirt suit.

If I am going to whore myself out for the big mountain climbing enabling amounts of money I am going to have to up my game and smarten up.

And really the skirt suit is the only way to go. Trouser suits just make me think of Next. Shudder!



And in my mind the look has to be retro. Wouldn't you agree?



I mean, for god's sake, my body was made for this look.



Pencil skirt, nipped in waist... Job done! Now I just have to find one that I like. Gah!

Thursday 1 April 2010

Ankle Biter

I am deeply in thrall to my plan not to spend money in order to save for numerous adventures in Southeast Asia at the end of the year. Gosh, giving up spending money is nearly as tough as giving up smoking cigarettes. But I found myself at a loose end yesterday and the weather was filthy so I found myself cruising Kurt Geiger. Ostensibly with the idea of looking for a sandal for said adventures.

But I saw a terrifically delightful blonde (who might well have once been the cooler, naughtier sister of the head girl) trying on these boots


(Image via Kurt Geiger)

with a view to toughing up summer dresses. And they were so cool and she was so cool and suddenly I thought that was exactly what I need too.

Obviously I don't. I could probably live in Vietnam for a week on what they would cost.

And I have a dark feeling that they might be too much like this...



which would obviously be a fate worse than death.

Hmmm...

I have also seen a pair of light blue desert boots with a heel that are super cute...

Decisions, decisions about something I need to persuade myself not to buy...

Wax On, Wax Off

What is going on with the Barbour jacket?

It started getting cool last year when youths started wearing them. I can't say that I got it.

Because I'm not Alexa Chung.



And I'm certainly not Peaches Geldof or Lily Allen.



And because I remember them before they were fashion items. You know, when the only people who wore them were country toffs, from whom I would never request fashion advice. Even with my tongue firmly in my cheek. And rural uppper class Spaniards, whose love of the English country gentleman look I find endlessly charming, but only they can carry it off.

They are obviously infinitely practical items, but when has that swayed me to desire something?

But then something strange happened...

I saw this



And I fell in love. Hook line and sinker. Isn't it awesome? It's so hardcore and rough and tough and biker-y. Or am I fooling myself?