Little Shop of Horrors

(Image via Topshop)

Horror Girl? Is the girl on the rights's (our right, not their right) expression and 'Hammer' emblazoned beige knitwear supposed to sell this collection to us?

Flexible Friends

snub-nosed (snbnzd)
adj.
1. Having a short, turned-up nose.

Our opinion has actually been ASKED for darling, rather than us just giving it. This is a day to celebrate!

I like that shoe. I have tried it on myself a couple of times. For me the issue is the snubby nosed-ness of it all. I just can't make up my mind if it's TOO snubby. But this is only an issue of the wearer is snubby nosed themselves, whilch happily I don't remember Kate being. I'm sure she had a normal and very nice nose so she's clear on that potential hazard. In fact I think it's only me in the entire world who worries about the toe of a shoe making their nose look snubbier. Maybe I should stop going on and drawing attaention to it. Let's speak no more of it.

So to the height. Yeah man, they're high. But to me it's not the HEIGHT that's the issue, but the flexibility of the SOLE. Now this is important. If the sole is nice and bendy I think that even a dyed in the wool flat pump wearer can get to grips and get on with it. A hard sole though, no. You're done for and even though the wearer can take cabs everywhere and sit down at every available juncture they will have to get TO the cab, or TO the bar stool and shuffling about and trying to keep a heel on in those moments is so unglamorous the wearer might as well be in a flipper as far as I'm concerned.

I can't recall if the sole is nice and bendy or not. I think I was so mesmerised by the noseyness that I'm not going to say any more about, that I didn't have time to move in them and see how they worked but I say: try them on Kate and if there's bend, do it and if not, keep looking. Or employ young men to hoist you aloft on their manly shoulders and carry you TO the cab and TO the bar stool. That would work equally well.

Hey! People Want Our Advice!

How much do we rock? Quite a bit, actually. And I’ll go ahead and tell you why.

We have been requested, as noble CONC-erors, to offer pre-purchase advice on an item. Miss Williamson, who you sat next to at my birthday dinner, is thinking of buying these:

They are from Aldo who, as we well know, are loathe to relinquish a reasonable size picture. So please follow this link to see them in more detail.

Now, knowing Kate as I do I have to say that I am not sure I have ever seen her in a high heel in all the delightful days that I have known her. If ever there was a girl that favours a flat then it is Kate. So even though her enquiry was worded as follows: “Do I buy? I will be unable to walk in them and will have to get cabs.” I was certainly not prepared for these.

Those are not a heel for the faint of heart. Yes, there is a lot to say for them, the colour is delightful. It reminds me somewhat of Angel Delight and I find that strangely comforting. I love the metal studs. The shape is all rounded and sensuous so thumbs up there. But all I can imagine when I look at them is myself toppling out if I were to wear them.

Am I being overly cautious? It might just be because I feel suitably chastised as I went to a wedding recently in my perilously high Miu Mius even though I had been warned that the terrain was not suitable. I spent more time out of them than in. After sinking resolutely into the churchyard’s grass I couldn’t risk the suede further. I was also berated by a friend’s boyfriend that it was completely ridiculous to wear heels I couldn’t walk in (over steep, uneven and wet leaf strewn pathways I would just like to point out). I beat him down later though when he dared to suggest that his ugly shoes were decent, to which I replied that that depended entirely on one’s definition of decent.

Anyway, I digress. I think they seem quite high. Maybe they aren’t too bad and I am just being a scaredy cat. And if we are already resigned to the non-walking/cab necessitating limits of the shoes then maybe we should just go with appearances (which obviously is what shoes are all about) and say, oh yes, they sure are pretty!

Do you concur?

And if I could just add... Kate, I am beyond excited that you are considering buying these! So just for the pleasure of seeing one more girl in a lovely pair of crazy high heels I say go forth and totter!

Flat Out

(Image via Office)

Don't worry about the penny loafers if you are forming an opinion. (Unless obviously you want to berate me, in which case I would only be happy to be put right by you in your own inimitable way.) I bought these little treats instead. There is toe cleavage a go-go. Saucy!

The Long and The Short of It

(Image via Fashion Toast)

You have to wear the Breton stripe tee and a trouser. That flat fronted trouser, or the white jean. And the fugly fugly necklace with fluro and dangle. That is my favourite outfit of yours and if I were a boy working in an outward bound shop with as questionable name (the shop not the boy, I don't kow his name) I reckon that would be a go-er for me.

Talking of a Breton stripe...I'm not keen on all the tinkering that's going on with them at the moment. Cropped...or long and with a tight bit on the hips (what is that, it's not a top, it's not a dress, it's just a long tshirt with a tight bit on the hips and I defy anyone to look good in one) or vests or one shouldered things...and so on and so forth...bleaugh. It's a classic. I don't like classics being tinkered with. I ahve put myslef in a bad mood now just thinming about it. Man! I hate that. I'll look at my hooves and read the Daily Mail online for a bit an calm down.

Boy Oh Boy!

I need your advice. I want to go and snag the adventure boy next week. What can I wear that will make me irresistible to him? But also make him think that I am a nice girl (tough call, I know).

Miss. Keddie has suggested the green and purple floral mini dress. You know the one? What do you think? What outfit that I own would make you want to hand your heart to me in a box tied up with a bow (or at least say yes to a drink) if, you know, you peed standing up?

Bada-Bing Bada-Boom!

(Image via Asos)

I could never get away with having this slung nonchalantly over my shoulder. (Although it would give me a kick to be l'il miss coporate with a boom box bag.) But honestly, its like denim, and sportwear. JUST NOT ME. It doesn't stop me from loving it, though. I reckon you could rock it. You know, accessorise it with big hair and a sneer. Oh yeah! How about it? Just for me?

Caped Crusader

I was going to quote the lyrics to Penny Lane and change Lane for Loafer, because I thought that might be funny but it wasn't. So I haven't. I shall just say that I really like those loafers darling. They are almost EXACTLY like my school shoes that I had when I was about 15 but that's a GOOD THING (I was already terribly stylish as such a tender age, what can I say?)

I'd buy them. Here are some more shoes that I like:

(Image via Granace Dore)

Usually this sort of thing gets my goat. I don't understand why an ankle would need a little cape. But this lady looks fabulous. Who'd have thought it? And to talk about shoes even more, I am wearing my new hoofy shoes today and I love them. The lace frock is going BACK though. Good God I looked hilarious in it. I made myself hysterical. I don't want to be hysterical at myself. That's just weird.

Penny For Your Thoughts

(Image via Clarks)

I don't quite know where this has come from. I need some new black flats. And somewhere along the line the penny loafer has popped into my head as a viable option. Particuarly with a sharp 7/8ths length trouser (more of this to come).

Am I quite mad?

White On!

I am going to surprise you by owning up to the fact that I quite like that dress.

Up until very recently I loathed lace, particularly white lace. It just smacks too much of a certain Madge moment. Which, in its time and place, was all very well. Actually thinking about the pics of her Madgeness that have been doing the rounds with the scary arms, maybe the slightly more rounded be-laceified days have something to say for them. But anyhoo, I was not 100% convinced that this fashion tip was one that should be revisted anytime soon.

I might also be sore because some years back, I would make a stab at, ooh, five years ago, I went to a concert wearing a pair of white lace leggings. I fear I looked even worse than this.

I was exceedingly drunk for the whole venture, but even so I was soon aware it was a big mistake. Mostly because it seemed to go down really well with the boys. And we all know that if something induces strange men to yell across the street at one it is probably not because one is looking particularly classy and demure. Unless they’re, like, rilly mean.

But I have been slowly coming round to the lace issue despite these scaring memories. In part thanks to Miuccia’s Prada collection of recent days with the black lace. And in part because I am a sucker for fashion and a trend and am wilfully lead into wanting to buy things that I don’t yet own/need. Waddayaknow!

So I really like this. I think you will look like Brooke Shields in Pretty Baby. Except less paedo-chic. Obviously.

As to the hoofs... I think I will have to take your word for it. I still have an image of you in those Aldo ones that made you look like Mrs. Tumnus. I am sure they are lovely, but I might need proof. Please trot out in them the next time we meet! (Tee, hee!)

But for the love of God, DO NOT, under any circumstances, wear the two items together. Everyone has a breaking point and that might well be mine. 'Kay?

Curtain Twitcher

You see this (actually look hard, because these images are tiny)

(Images via New Look)

and these

I own them!

I'm not entirely convinced that owning the lacey dress is a good thing because it reminds me a bit of my Grandma Clara's net curtains (the best ones in the front room though, which isn't necessarily too bad). There is a sheen to the fabric which I worry might translate as 'cheap'. The shoe however is phenomenal. It's a bit hoofy. But in a good way.



There's nothing wrong with a hoof as MK Olsen has proven time and time again. Neigh!

Hmmm, Interesting...!

Quelle fashion dilemma, doll face!

I can see where you are coming from, however, when I think of Burberry Prorsum I think of the delightful Mr. Christopher Bailey. Isn’t he the most? I think he is adorable.




And very talented. As he has distracted me from thinking about the broad from Eastenders with no septum. You know who I mean. I won’t be posting a picture of her.

The other thing...? With the perfume...? You’ve just got too much time on your hands, je pense...

Forget me knot

(Images via Maximilia)

Ooooooooooooooh weeee! I don't like these one bit! And the socks and the shoe. No! I'm bored of socks and shoes. It doesn't look avant garde. It looks silly.

I Wonder Lonely As A Cloud

Is it just me that:

a) Always thinks of one of these*:

rather than this sort of thing:

when I see the name BURBERRY PRORSUM?

b) Always, always thinks TOMATO PERFUME? Whatever next?! When I see this:

before smacking myself on the head and remembering the millions other times I have failed to read Tam Dao incorrectly.

Just wondering.

*It's a POSSUM

She Has Issues

Sorry what's that? Where was I last night? Oh! Funny you should ask! At the screening of The September Issue at The Covent Garden hotel ACTually! H at Grazia was very kind and gave me her +1. The Head warned me not to get over excited and cause her any embarrassment. I think I behaved nicely, I grinned inanely at the screen throughout but it was dark so I don't think anyone actually saw me. H made a lot of notes in teeeny tiny writing. I hope she can actually read them today.

It was great. I loved it. I love her. I tell you what though the star of the show is Grace Coddington. Her asides are inspired. And Andre Leon Talley declaring 'There is a famine of beauty! My eyes are STAAAAAARVED of beauty' and rocking up for tennis (that Wintour MAKES him play to lose weight) with full on Vuitton vanity cases, monogrammed towels and sporting a watched heavily embellished with diamond etc is just fabulousity gone MAD.

You get to know much more about fabulous Grace than you do Anna Wintour but it's still great to watch her in action. She's fierce but in a good way. She comes across as just being contained and sparing in what she says. She has a steely look for sure though. I want one. I'm going to start practicing. Come September everyone's going to want one.

Through the Looking Glass

(Image via American Apparel)

They are majorly over subscribed. But they're also great! And glasses being cool makes me feel really happy. So embrace it, I say. This lady has. Her zippy swimsuit isn't embracing very much of her, but hell! Seckshual spectacles on a Friday morning, what's not to love?

On Spec

I am so happy that I finally have an excuse to post this picture, because I really love it. I mean for one thing Jason Schwartzman is quite delightfully beautiful.

Not convinced?

Still not convinced?

NO?!

Well, I like him anyway.

The other is that they are both wearing the most wonderfully geeky glasses. I own a pair like them, as you know.

Here is me in them.

I have had them for a couple of years, and I have been thinking vaguely about getting another pair, but I am now becoming slightly concerned. Do geeky glasses look really contrived now? You know when something becomes a trend and then even if you were rocking it before it was a trend you end up looking a bit tragic? Is that where we are now with these glasses?

I saw a pretty girl in a pretty dress with super geeky glasses and it just made me think that she was trying too hard. Is that what people think when they see me in mine?

Should I even care? Am I terribly shallow if I do?

A Rose By Any Other Name...

You are not alone. Although I must say I am mega impressed by the bit where she goes all whizzy and wiggly in the chair. I can't explain, but next time you see it you'll know what I mean. That takes a level of upper body strength that I wouldn't have expected Sienna to have had and I can't help but be impressed.

I met her step mother at a thing a few years ago. I tell you what, she was wearing the best leather jacket I have ever seen IN MY LIFE. I wanted to touch it to see if it was as buttery soft as it looked. But she's Kelly Hoppen so of COURSE it was as buttery soft as I thought. The woman is all about texture for heavens sake. Texture and neutrals a go go. But I thought it might be inappropriate to start grabbing at her outerwear (although I did once finger Delia Smith's suit sleeve whilst discussing her shortbread recipe - trufact - she was in navy gabardine).

Sooooo. Anyway, yeah it's a bit of an odd add. Apparently The Winehouse is bringing out a fragrance. When I think of people that I wouldn' t mind smelling like, I can safely say that Sienna tops the list considerably ahead of Amy. What will that smell of? I am anticipating something pungent with vanilla and fag top notes. Niiiice!

Burnt Sienna

Am I alone in being totally grossed out by the Hugo Boss tv advert with Sienna Miller in it?

Cruise Control

I know that you will have been on the edge of your seat, wondering how the Russian necklace worked out. I was pretty pleased with it. Got to work on my gurning though, in almost every picture. I look like Tom Cruise, for God's sake, with that hideous inane grin.

To Chav and To Hold

Sweetness. Dear heart. You know I love you. And I do. Really. But must you make it so difficult for me?

Anything from JD Sports is anathema to me. And seriously, a Head bag?? While I appreciate it in theory, a Head bag for The Head (chortle, guffaw, etc.) the reality of it is so heinous that I can barely even speak of it.

Can I just try to ignore that you ever brought this up?

Sporting Chance

Yeah Kristin McNemany was name checked in the article! I liked her too. I also like saying her name, McNemany, McNenamy. Yeah!

Anyway, there's only so much I can talk about bleached brows. Let's talk abouuuuut SPORTSWEAR!

No seriously, let's!

The Head and I celebrate four years of marriage next week. Tonight we will be playing squash together for the first time EVER. You know I have a slight competitive streak. I am already sending him abusive emails to try and break his spirit. Ha! But let's hope this doesn't cast a dark shadow over the celebrations to come. I want us to be a half Scotch, glossier, non tennis playing version of Graf and Agassi man! That's my vision.

Whist we're there we're going to take a look at the gym. We think we need to change our lifestyles a little and get fitter. Well, The Head thinks that. I just think joining gym = opportunity to buy new outfits and indulge my inner chav.

I badly want these things. I really feel that I need a 3/4 length harem jogger. And a super trashy hoody. And The Head sports bag is just a given isn't it? Too perfect!

(Images via JD Sports)

The Second Coming of Kristen

While I agree that the bleached (or, heaven forbid, the shaved eyebrow) is not for the faint hearted, or for those that enjoy looking, like, pretty, there is nothing else that reminds me so much of Kristen McMenamy. And I loved her.

She was really big in the 90s, if you recall, and had a really weird look, which was made even weirder and more fabulous when she had bleached eyebrows.

You see?

If it meant she was on the scene again to relaunch the albino brow, then I would be all for it. Ooh, apparently she is gracing the cover of Italian Vogue sans brows. The excitement!!

I also really loved the look on Karen Elson.

Actually, who am I kidding, I think it looks awesome on the catwalk and other fashion based situations. It is so alien-esque and bizarre and wonderful.

But admittedly probably not for us mere mortals... Do not fret, I won't be trying it myself.

Brow Beaten

(Images via Daily Mail)

According to The Daily Mail, we're all bleaching our eyebrows. Apparently 'this small but significant statement is rapidly becoming a trend in high fashion circles.' How high? Uber high? I haven't seen no one in the real with bleached brows man.

If it looks like that on this lot, imagine what it might look like on a muggle.

Doesn't bear thinking about does it?

Tan Your Hide

I feel the need to confess something to you. And a something that has induced either shocked surprise or barely supressed mirth in those I have told thus far.

I went and got a spray tan yesterday. (Pause for intake of breath...) After Peru I was decidedly mismatched with the top half being slightly more ruddy, you know, like a farmer, and the bottom half my usual milky white. I am going to the wedding of the delightful Miss Kirsty Buckler and her beau Mr Ben Cregan tomorrow and I just couldn't face gracing their wedding pictures with more than one different shade.

And you know what? I love it. It looks really natural and I am getting a big old kick out of being brown. And I am even thinking of topping it up myself tonight with a bit of the old Holiday Skin for a more dramatic look.

So I obviously can never judge you and your slightly citrus based skin tone ever again. And I'm ok with that.

Yeah, Baby!

Let's face it, its all a bit Austin Powers, isn't it?

And the only fashion inspiration I want to take from that successful movie franchise is from Ivana Humpalot.

Obviously.

And Then It Got Ugly

(Image via Topshop)

Yesterday I spied this monstrosity on Toppityshop. It's so...Agyness Deyn! If I threw that on ready for a night out Up West with The Head I imagine he'd wrestle me to the floor rather than let me out.

I wondered whether it was an unfortunate representation and it might be better in the real.

(Image via Inside Out)

That'll be a no then.