Hold the Phone...!

I feel a little remiss in not having discussed this sooner. Although I imagine a suitable amount of fuss is already being made about this video that without my input there isn't a deafening silence on this issue.

But for the love of all that is good in the world, has there ever been a cooler pop music video? No, I didn't think so either.

She wears chains and sunglasses made out of lit and smoking cigarettes!



She weas studded leather and soda pop can hair rollers!



She wears police tape and nothing else! Scene of a crime?! I'll give you scene of a crime!



She wears a telephone as a hat!



She wears a telephone made out of her hair strapped over her eye! While serving poisoned food!



She wriggles about in a bikini made of the Stars and Stripes!



Awesome, n'est ce pas?

And while I appreciate Beyoncé's daring at being willing to take part in the crazy and potentially alienate some of her more conservative fans, I'm not entirely sure...

While Gaga is totally fierce and sexy but in a "I'm going to rip your throat out" way, B seems to have been styled like a sex doll. In fact, there is something quite Traci Lords in Cry Baby about her look.


(Images via ladygaga.com and gagadaily.com)

Which I loved on Traci Lords but I'm not entirely convinced Beyoncé can carry it off.



Particularly as the look has been combined with some sort of crazy member of Sgt Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band.



Weird, no?

Tie Backs, Tassels and Trims*

I am not a fan of VV Brown, no. I don't actively dislike her, I just find her tiresome. And the reason I find her tiresome is that silly rolled fringe thing she does. When she first hit the scene there was an interview with her in some glossy or other where she declared that she would take the secret of how she perfects that retro roll to the grave** and implied she was terribly clever for being able to get it up there in mere minutes each day. Which irked me. I'm not sure why, but it did. I think being told that I would never find out her hair styling secrets got my goat, because it implied somehow that I was literally itching to get rolling my own tresses. Which of course I am not. And that kind of Geldof Girl 'confidence' gets my heckles up.

Anyway, I digress. (I thought that was worth an explanation though and I have since seen her interviewed in the real and she seems terribly bland and inoffensive so perhaps some journo was just clinging on to the one defining factor about the girl and trying to tease something vaguely interesting out of it, I don't know.) I was as surprised to see her in that ad as you though. I mean, random! But at least that God damn roll has gone (probably because the hair stylist on the shoot couldn’t POSSIBLY work out how it might be done, the mystery of The Roll being equal only the mythical qualities of like...unicorns and shizz). I think she looks all the better for it. She is much more attractive without that thing lying dormant across her upper frontage.

It's Dannii Minogue I'm not happy about. Good Lord that WOMAN. She does things like this:

W. T. F?  Why on EARTH she and her sister are heralded as mavens of style is something I will never, nor would I want, to understand. Perhaps the people who have declared her a style Queen have been practicing their VV fringes whilst watching X Factor and whilst peering through their coiffure, have got her mixed up with Princess Cheryl. It's the only explanation I can come up with.

* ...are all available from VV Rouleaux, which is by far, a more preferable concept to VV Brown.

**Perhaps not to the grave, I may have exaggerated in my pique but she was clear she would not be forthcoming with the details.

As Good as Goldman

Wow-eee! How awesome does Jane Goldman look in her delightful Vivienne Westwood gown?


(Images via Holy Moly)

I could learn some lessons from her about how to make the most of a generous rack. But I fear I might fall out if I went that far. She rocks it though, don't you think? Maybe because she looks like a cartoon character.

Brown Girl in the Ring

So the new M&S celebathon advertising has just started being shown. Its fun and peppy and summery and inoffensive.



Except what the hell is VV Brown doing there? I know you aren't a fan, but really? M&S and VV Brown? Who thinks that makes sense?

The Cat's Pajamas

It has to be said that it is a rare thing indeed to be inspired to write a CONC post while residing in the kitchen at work (I work in an investment bank, it's just a lot of ill fitting suits secured over expanding waists and yawnsomely boring ties). And while I am conscious that I am falling into a markerters trap, I found, while rummaging around in the drinks fridge, the Diet Coke/Asos pink leopard print cans and they are awesome!

Having always been a drink very definitely catering to a female audience I have never felt spoken to by their advertising.



Right?!



And the Duffy adverts were possibly the most revolting thing I have ever, ever seen.

But a little bit of pink leopard print...? And I'm in!

Not that I will drink the stuff, though, coz it still tastes like arse.

High Top

Man, I wish I had long hair right now. All the cool girls are rocking a super up top top knot and they look sooooo cool.



I mean, obviously there is no point playing it by halves. My beloved Chloe here is being far too coy with it. It needs to be right up top, and high and bouffy as you like. Like the girl in the glasses. You know... BIG!



Do you think I could fake it somehow? No? You don't? Oh...

Anyone for Tennis?

(Image via Sweaty Betty)

What ho! Pop round for a Whisky Julep and a spot of tennis, why don't you?! It will be simply ripping!

I'll wear this racy little number and we'll have a absolute scream!

Until then, toodle pip, what!

Gonna See a Lady About a Dog

OK, so we all know how much I love Gaga. Right?



And that I have a soft spot for a dog in an outfit?



Ahhhh! I think I might just be in heaven...!



(Images via jessefriedin.com)

AWESOME!!!

Trench Warfare

So with the warm weather come the lighter clothes.



And such has been my impatience, I have been wearing my trench for some time now. Always ever so slightly too chilly. At least until this week.



But with the added comfort of an extra couple of degrees has come another side effect.

Women. In trenches. Everywhere.



I am not a fan of such ubiquity.

I tend to stop wearing things when they become super popular, because it just makes me cringe when I look like a carbon copy of every sweet young thing.



But it is a classic. Women are always going to wear them, aren't they? And I do love mine.

So I think I will just have to suck it up.

Gah!

We'll Always Have Paris

(Image via Oasis)

Have you noticed how Paris paraphernalia seems to be littering the racks at the moment? What's up with that?

I mean I love the Eiffel Tower as a symbol. I used to have a long chain earring that dangled low past my shoulder with a silver tower chilling out on the end of it. I thought I was sooo cool. And I was probably old enough to know better.

And obviously there is a definite Parisian cool that has been well documented. But I heart Paris t shirts? Neither stylish nor cool, surely.

Be Terry Afraid

Yeah, it's backlash city round Terry Richardson's gaff. After your boredom and my little rant it seems that people are becoming less complacent about Terry's pervy ways.

Rie Rasmussen had a go.

Then another model says he is creepy, although I don't think that is the half of it. How gross is that picture?

Hopefully this negative press will make editors think a bit more about giving him the opportunity to sleaze all over young women.

For Crying Out Loud

(Image via The Sun)

For the love of all that is good in the world...!

I just had some feedback that those boots are a bit "early Girls Aloud". I will not be buying them. They are as good as dead to me.

Peep Show

(Image via Kurt Geiger)

I am off to a party on Friday night and I have bought a pretty filthy LBD to wear to it. It has elbow length sleeves and comes to just above the knee and doesn't really show too much except that it is incredibly fitted (read second skin) and it has strips of fabric and mesh so there is a suggestion of flesh underneath. In fact it is almost the perfect combination of demure and super slutty.

But what shoe?

I think these are pretty rocking. I have been somewhat obsessed with the thought of a peep toe ankle boot for sometime. Are they right or are they wrong? Will they push the outfit out into the wanton wilderness of Slutsville or are they just tough enough to pull the whole thing out of the bag?

Make A Clean Breast Of It

Boobs, cans, jugs, hooters, knockers, tatas, Bristols... There is no denying that we, the human species, are more than a little obsessed with the breast.

But it has to be said that boobs have to be the ultimate anatomical conundrum for women. You know, the part of the body more than any other (although thanks to J-Lo and Beyoncé the humble bottom might be coming a close second) that divides opinion and makes the owner think that the grass is greener, that whatever you have you'd rather the other.

I look at models with their scrawny boy-like chests and lack of hips and see how beautifully clothes hang off them and I have awful pangs of jealousy. And yet I know that many of my more demurely blessed sisters are completely bemused as to why I wouldn't want to show a little more flesh at every conceivable opportunity. To them a lovely pair could be nothing but a delightful bounty. And I agree, they are simply delicious in many ways, I'm not blind to their appeal, (they are right under my nose every time I look down, after all) but they are rather demanding.

They scream for attention in a way that I would never dream of doing (or am I just being coy?), they spread naughty rumours about the kind of girl I might be, they tease and coax and make promises that I might not want to keep.

But it has been suggested to me that flashing a little cleavage might not, in fact, be the same as making a pact with the devil, selling my soul down the river or resigning myself to a slutty fate. So why not? There must be a way to balance boobs with brains, flirtation with feistiness, so I will set myself a challenge to get 'em ahhht a bit more, and we'll see how we go...!

Aye Aye Captain

(Image via Lock & Co Hatters)

Can we invent a reason why I would absolutely, categorically, need to own this hat?

Ours is Not to Wonder Why

I've always really loved the imagery and illustrations from Alice in Wonderland and I adore Tim B, so the combination excites me quite a lot.



But I can't say I have ever looked to Miss. In Wonderland for fashion inspiration.



Admittedly she is utterly adorable. And as a slightly more mature slip of a thing in the film than in the book it isn't quite as paedo chic as copying the style of an actual child, but I still can't say that I really get it.

But I have seen a number of articles and blogs suggesting ways to recreate the look.



Call me cynical, but isn't that just what is known as cashing in? I mean, unless you were some delightful Japanese girl rocking an extreme look in Tokyo, who would actually want to dress like that?



On another note... isn't Miss. Wasikowska's hair beyond perfect? Hmmm, maybe I need a trim...

Happily Eva After

(Image via Go Fug Yourself)

This delightful thing is Eva Amurri, she is the daughter of Susan Sarandon, who rocks so hard and makes me love everything about her. Including her offspring, apparently. Because this might well be one of my favourite looks of the year so far. It is spring-like and youthful and combines neon and neutral which I always love and it seems that she might have stopped off on the way to do a spot of beachcombing and I love, love, love it.

So, erm, yes, that makes me happy.

Boobs!

(Image via Go Fug Yourself)

COR LUMMY! You don't get many of them to the pound!

But jokes aside, it actually makes me quite sad to see Miss Swank slutting it up at the Oscars, because a previous dress that she wore to the Oscars is one of my favourite dresses that anyone has ever worn to the Oscars.



And she seems to have fallen a loonnng way off the style ladder since then. Dude, you're successful, surely you've earned the right to be appreciated for other "talents". Na'am saaayin'?

I'm With The Band(age)

Holy mackerel! I escaped from the smoke for the weekend and found myself on a night out in Birmingham on Saturday night. And I realise just how sheltered I am. Coz even the trashiest girls in London would have their work cut out to compete with these Brummie beauties.

Honest to goodness, I had no idea! They made Essex girls look shy and retiring around the make up case. Their fashion mantra? The tighter and shorter the better.

Yowza!

And the clothing of choice? Other than the bizarre number of women dressed up as slutty nursery rhyme characters. The bandage dress.

Now, I have nothing against a bandage dress per se. I dreamed of going to my school leaver's ball in an Hervé Léger, which obviously didn't happen. And while I find them a bit ubiquitous with a very slender type of Hollywood starlet permanently ensconced in them, which is a bit tedious, I am quite a fan. I particularly liked the ones that Christopher Kane did a couple of years back.




But Vicks here has nothing on the proud ladies of the Midlands. Particularly the more generous ladies. Gosh, mystery is clearly a mythical beast around those parts. Good for them for feeling quite so confident, I guess. I'm not sure I've got anything like the same chutzpa.