Oscars - Um..., Err..., Meh

I'm pleased that Cameron Diaz has covered up her legs for once, but I'm not excited.

The Princess of Monaco looks about as enthusiastic about this dress as I feel. I like the waist and below but I hate the polo neck.

I think this is really pretty, and actually I was undecided, but I think it is really just pretty.

I love the colour of this but I feel the neckline is a tad dated.

From the waist down I think Judy Greer's dress is marvellous, but the top makes me think of Kate Winslet in the Stella McCartney optical illusion dress, which doesn't make me happy.

Lovely colour but would be infiinitely nicer without that weird drapey arm thing.

Kristen is still rocking the almost bridal look. The colour is a bit more interesting though and I like her hair.

Louise Roe's dress has something of an Edwardian feel, which I love, and the belt and colour are heaven, but I'm not sure it is really dressy enough for the Oscars. Maybe the fabric is just a little too plain.

Maya Rudolph is rocking the aubergine and the cap sleeves are adorable, and actually, I don't think there are any buts. If I was being really picky I would say the materical looks a bit casual, but I'm going to take it back because I like it.

I think this is so close to being marvellous, but there just feels like too much fabric in the skirt and around the waist and hips.

I very nearly like this but it just seems ever so slightly dull to me.

There is no doubt that Stacey Kiebler looks insanely amazing, and I don't even mind the colour, and the draping is lovely, I just really really don't like that hip rosette.

(Images via Daily Telegraph, Elle UK)

Tina Fey looks tiny in this dress, as in very, very stumpy. I think the dress itself is ok, if a little dull, but I wish there was a lot more fitting going on. If that skirt and peplum were made without about half the fabric I would be much happier.

The Oscars - The Bad

Angelina, I don't care how nice or not your dress is, I just cannot abide what is happening with your leg. Put it away for god's sake. It looks like you are smuggling stolen mannequin parts.

Honestly, there are no words. I had a dance teacher when I was younger who had trousers that looked like this. Never thought it would be a good idea to make a dress out of them.

Yes, Jane Seymour, you do look great for your age, but you also look like a showgirl.

The striping and the upper arm gaps make this unforgivable.

Livia Firth really isn't selling this whole eco fashion thing. This dress is enormously dowdy and unflattering with a sad little droopy boob curtain.

I love the colour and I think it is interesting, but I don't think any boobs, particularly such a magnificent pair, deserve that much draping.

Miss Pyle, love your name, don't love your dress. Truly one of my red carpet pet hates - one dress up to the knee and a mysterious leg curtain. Who made that look up?

It has been praised by many but I just can't see beyond the baggy, badly fitting top and twigs or witches fingers around the waist.

(Images via Daily Telegraph, Elle UK)

Oh, Viola, so, so wrong. The colour and the hideous ruffles and skirting are so wrong I can't even believe it has been allowed to happen.

Oscars - The Good

I am very glad to say that the ladies, for the most part, really pulled out all the stops for the Oscars this year. There were definitely more pluses than minuses.

And as to the pluses:

Emma Stone rocks this red pink. The colour is so beautiful that I almost don't mind how much it reminds me of that red dress Nicole Kidman wore a couple of years ago with the mahoosive bow.

Gwyneth Palrow - I bow before you. This is absolutely stunning and couldn't be bettered by all the glitz and show in all the world. I adore it.

Jessica Chastain's dressing is often very hit or miss in my mind, but she came up trumps in this Alexander McQueen number. Lovely.

Kelly Osbourne, yay, you got it right! So slinky and flattering and appropriate for the event. Keep dressing like this. Please.

Michelle, you are so beautiful and perfect I can barely stand it. I love this dress, the colour, the texture, the peplum. Swoon! And then the combination of the colour and the pink clutch is so exciting and unexpected.

Milla Jovovich, your career might not be Oscar worthy but your wardrobe sure is.

Finally, Octavia Spencer finds a flattering dress. I rejoice!

Oh, Penelope, I love this colour I will forgive you for having drapy off the shoulder sleeves. You're welcome.

Rooney's love affair with Givenchy continues to great effect.

Still in love with Rose Byrne's bob, and the black sequins are so chic and sexy. Very nicely done.

Shailene Woodley follows the Palrow laws of red carpet dressing and looks amazing. Long white and minimalist is clearly the trend highlight of the day.

I wish her hair was still dark, but otherwise Berenice Bejo's mint green dress is to die for. Lord knows I like a long sleeve.

This young lady was criticised for matcing her dress with her hair, and it is quite autumnal, but I think the colour really works for her.

Can we just talk about the very best hair ever? And the dress is super cute too.

(Images via Daily Telegraph, Elle UK)

Oh Glen, who would think that a Barbie ballgown and matching tux jacket would work? It is truly a tribute to you that they do.

Boobs!

(Image via Go Fug Yourself)

COR LUMMY! You don't get many of them to the pound!

But jokes aside, it actually makes me quite sad to see Miss Swank slutting it up at the Oscars, because a previous dress that she wore to the Oscars is one of my favourite dresses that anyone has ever worn to the Oscars.



And she seems to have fallen a loonnng way off the style ladder since then. Dude, you're successful, surely you've earned the right to be appreciated for other "talents". Na'am saaayin'?