Dear Ross Noble, I think you're great. You make me laugh very hard. And I went to see you last year in the Isle of Man during the TT, the night I met my lovely ex Steve. So I have a special place in my heart for you.
I know that you could never be described as dapper (although you do really carry off the leather biker jacket) and that being interested in your appearance is not really your thing. I get that.
But there is one thing that my love for you just cannot endure. Your dreadlocks.
(Images via Spoonfed, Daily Mail)
And, let's be honest here, it's not just you. There is a written rule, you see. And clearly no one has been kind enough to tell you, so let me be the one to break it to you gently. Unless you are Johnny Depp in character as a fictional pirate, as a white man the dreadlock is truly, truly, a no go area.
So please, employ some people to comb those bad boys out and we need never speak of this again. Otherwise I'll be sending people round with a sharp pair of scissors and some determination, and we'll have them away one way or another.
It's for your own good. I promise.
Love Lucinda xo xo