Five Star

I have just walked 84 miles of Hadrian's Wall in Cumbria and Northumberland. And do you know what? My feet don't half hurt. So much so that I am wondering whether these hideous toe-shoes might make them feel better. I really hope the pain goes before I have to resort to them. Can you just imagine? I would have to pretend that I had never had an interest in fashion. I might as well just resign myself to a life wearing Crocs.

PS. That last thing would never, ever happen. Just so's you know.

Things 'Bout to Get Ugly

Goodness knows I love me a bit of Miuccia, but she has lost me with this ugly shoe ting for Miu Miu and Prada this season. She clearly isn't planning on selling any of these, right?

Not cute, missy! You are on a warning.

(Images via Net a Porter, Style.com)

I'm a Creep, I'm a Weirdo

What is the one item that makes you realise you are no longer young? For me it is the creeper. I look at these and I shudder. I cannot make out in any way why anyone would want to wear them. Can you?

(Images via Asos, Kurt Geiger)

Stubborn as a Mule

Miu Miu

One of my most serious sartortial hatreds is the mule. I really don't think that anything can be said for them.



And the funny thing is that I don't think I could even tell you why I hate them so much. Maybe it is do do with covering up the part of the foot that is attractive and then revealing the heel, which is never beautiful, no matter how lovely the foot.

Maybe it is because I have had mules in the past and they have never quite worked for me no matter how much I loved them. For one thing walking in them invariably seems a little tricky.

Louis Vuitton

Most of the time it is an annoyance easily avoided, but for spring/summer they appear to be making an unwelcome return.

So I saw the Miu Miu ones and my hatred was not dented. And the Oscar pairs are far too ornate for my liking. Status well and truly quoed.

But then, what's this?!

Damn you Louis Vuitton and Mr Jacobs, because these with the pointy toes and the metallics, these I might just love.

Oscar de la Renta

I like being grumpy and having fixed immovable rules about things that are hideous and that I would never wear, but those shoes have muddied the water because now I am thinking that they might actually be rather nice. Ack!

(Images via Style.com)

On the Hoof

(Image via Daily Mail)

I understand what a break up can do to a girl. And much as I don't like to kick someone while they're down I feel the need to make something clear. Nicole, I can assure you, ugly Aztec wedged hoofs are not going to make you feel better.

Pop your pjs on and eat something fashioned out of melted cheese. That'll do the trick.

Spitting Feathers

Man I hate a shoe with unnecessary embellishments on the back. I saw a woman who was reasonably well dressed today (pencil skirt, pussy bow blouse, etc.) but then finished off with a pair of feather or bow embellished leopard print shoes.



And you know what I thought? Like she was maybe a lady of ill repute who was trying to clean up her act. Know what I mean? She was like Julia Roberts before the nice lady in the department store helped her pick out a dress, a cocktail one. Remeber? It wasn't helped by the fact that she was sitting on a bench with her legs lifted in front of her twising her ankles as she appreciated her hideous shoes from all angles. I'm mean, I know, but just no.

Down the Tube

It is very Westwoodian isn't it? I think it's horrible. I don't like an overly feminised suit. I thinks it's all a bit Dita Von Teese (tell me I'm not the only person who wishes the woman would just sling on a t shirt every now and then and relax. I'm sure that being that trussed is ageing, for real!). And you're right the fabric is hid. It reminds me of something TFL might use for seats. Now, I hit you up with a fact last week and now here's another...TFL have a special name for their seat fabric and that word is 'Moquette'. Seriously, I didn't even know I KNEW so many facts. I might have a book in me! And there I was thinking it was going to be a lenthgy and sequal friendly tome, and instead if I pen anything it will carry inanities such as this. Gah!

Weirdly, I found these Westwood shoes covered in a bit of tatty old m m m moquette that has held possibly millions of bottoms, breathed in too many farts to mention and been sullied in other unmentionable and revolting ways. Nothing better than use it to cover a perfectly reasonable shoe!

(All images via Pretty Portobello)

HO! And there are more. There is a company called Above and Below who make these utterly revolting trainers using fabric from bus and tube seats. Is there no end to this? I'm all for a bit of eco chic but when would this ever seem like an appealing idea?