Ree-lax

Why do I like being mean to myself? Because I am properly craving a pair of dungarees to wear with a white t shirt and plimsolls. And I know that's not going to be a good idea...

Get Over It

OK, so I might have fallen at the first hurdle in my desire to dress like a boy. I found these two delicious Crombie style overcoats (All Saints above, Comptoir below) and larks a lordy do they not work with my body type. Not one bit of it. The All Saints number was slightly better because it is more fitted, but the Comptoir was a disaster, as much as I wanted it to work. I think I will have to admit defeat with this one and bow down to the reality that my shape needs way more fitting in at the waist otherwise I just look the size of a house. Boo.

(Images via All Saints, Comptoir des Cotonniers)

Little Miss Saucy

I love leather. I think it can look very sexy. My one major complaint with it is that it isn't very flattering. I always ended up with my thighs looking like sausages that need pricking (trousers) or with my boobs looking like a matronly shelf (dresses or t shirts). I have more or less come to the conclusion that it is something that I will never be carry it off.

Because, truly, one of my personal mantras is: If Salma Hayek can't do it, it can't be done. And I'm afraid, Salma, the proof is right here.

(Images via Reiss, Daily Mail)

But clever old Reiss, with their missy leather skirt, have put regular skirt material round the back. If there was one part of my body that couldn't stand up to the pressure of being encased in leather it's the tush. Lovely as it is, it's not small and putting a tight shiny fabric on it would be the equivalent of attaching a big pointy lit up arrow to it. This however, looks much less scary. And the skirt is super sexy, no? Hmmm, I'm tempted to go and try it on.

Although, thinking about it, I don't work as a dominatrix, so when would I actually have the nerve to go out and about in it? Precisely never, that's when. I think I'll save my pennies after all.

A Drop in the Ocean

So of course everyone is talking about Baz Lurhaman's remake of The Great Gatsby. I'm pretty excited about it. And these pictures of Carey Mulligan are just lovely. I think she will make a great Daisy.

And the dresses...

The Twenties style is always a winner. It is finding its way on to the catwalks and high street already. But that is where my problems start.

Not that these dresses aren't lovely. They are. Beautiful shapes. Beading and adornments.

And (dur, dur, durrrr!) the drop waist! Aaaarrrrgggghhhhh!!!

If there were ever a dress shape that was designed to make a curvy girl blanch it is the drop waist.

In the Twenties the aim was to look boyish. You wanted a straight up and down figure and women would bind their breasts to achieve it. Now, I'll do a lot for my love of fashion, but in the words of the Meatloaf, I won't do that. So, sadly, this will have to be a trend that I merely appreciate from afar.

(Images via Daily Telegraph)

Drop Trou

(Image via 3: Eleven Boutique)

You will be shocked. Seriously, I'm not kidding. And possibly apalled. For as long as you have known me I have been a woman who spends, oh, about 99% of her time in a dress or skirt. But things, I fear, are changing. I am spending my days at my new job trundling up and down stairs with arms full of files. And you know what doesn't go with that? A pencil skirt. And actually skirts of most descriptions.

So I think I will have to admit defeat. Suck it up and buy some trousers.

I know. I can barely stand to think of it myself. I went into M&S the other day and tried on about 15 pairs all to very little outcome. And it reminded me exactly why I stopped wearing trousers in the first place. They just don't suit me. I have a generous bottom and thighs and I'm not overly tall. All things which make buying trousers a perverse form of sartorial torture.

I'm not sure if it is really worth the effort...

Either that or I might have to treat myself to a pricier pair that fit really nicely. As I recall Reiss might provide something that'll work.

Woe is Me

(Image via Asos Africa)

Do you ever look at a picture of an outfit and think "Cute! But sooooo not for me"? That's how I feel about this. The model looks adorable, but I'd look like a train wreck in it. I think print trousers are never an item I should dally with. So I will appreciate from afar instead.

You Little Sneak!

I have long since loved the hidden wedge Isabel Marant high top. But much as I love them I'm not going to shell out a fortune for them so what are my options?

Shrug my shoulders, adopt a wry look and say "Ah well, it wasn't to be"? Or try to find a cheaper alternative.

Like these by Ash.

These are kinda cute, right? I mean not in the same league but nice enough. I particularly like the white and silver pair. But think about this, woman. I live in dresses. Where exactly would a pair of blinding white trainers fit into your wardrobe.

(Images via Shopstyle, Ash)

Answer: Precisely nowhere.

Solution: Just get over it.

Hmmm, if only it were that easy. Harrumph.



A Shot in the Dark

I am officially old.

I don't get the young anymore.

I don't get your Aubin & Wills.

I don't get your Ambercrombie & Fitch.

And I most certainly don't get your Hollister.

That whole California chic is all very well. If you live in California. But even when I lived in Santa Cruz I didn't/couldn't do that whole preppy surfer look. It just isn't very interesting. It is all a bit pure and uninspired. That whole jock/cheeleader appeal never really hit our shores. And that's one of the problems I have. Clothes that suit a Californian climate can surely never be right for our more blustery coastline. Let alone our cities.

These looks that combine parkas with mini (mini) skirt and flip flops would barely be appropriate for a summer day here. And anyway, why would we want to dress like generic American kids anyway? As I say, I don't get the young. Because they are going nuts for it. I can barely cross the street without seeing kids wrangling A&W, A&F and H bags.

 

Which brings me to my, err, hundredth (?!) gripe. The shops themselves. Have you seen a Hollister? Have you been in one? Well, no, ahem, me neither. But I've been passed one. It is like a grotto. And not in the Playboy sense, but in the dank, dark cave sense. How can you possibly go shopping in those conditions? The only way I would venture in would be with a head torch strapped to my bonce.

I know, I know, before you say it, this place is clearly not meant for me. But does a young person not care about being able to see stuff?

Their advertising is all outdoorsy, hot young girls and guys (or Dudes and Bettys as they are known on the website, bleurgh!) on the beach, heading off surfing, admiring each other's perfect bodies, so why are they going the opposite way in their shops?

Clearly I am just old and bitter and washed up and too cynical and mean to enter into this phenomenon.

Which is a shame because, much as I am loathe to admit it, some of this stuff is quite cute.

(Images via Hollister)

The Boot's on the Other Foot

 What is it that makes shopping for certain items nigh on impossible? Take my current black boot dilemma. I have bought and then returned three pairs so far this year. I'm in the shop (after a lot of searching) and each time I am sure that I have found the right pair. I take them home and oh, no, I don't like them after all. Or they work with skirts but not with trousers. Or they are too rock and roll and then when paired with my girly dresses just look ridiculous. Or are fabulous but probably too fabulous to be practical on a daily basis.

Am I asking too much of the poor things? I want them to be comfortable, warm, keep my feet dry, stylish and work with skirts and trousers. Surely that's not too much to ask.

 Particularly as on my search for the perfect black pair I came across the perfect brown pair. They're from Camper, so they're super comfortable, and they might not be winning any major fashion awards they look equally nice with dresses and jeans. But you can't wear brown with everything, try as I might. So I need a black pair. But it just seems impossible.

(Images via Kurt Geiger)

I really don't think the right pair exists. But I'll keep on the search. You mark my words.

Nine Inch Nails

So, nail art really isn't my thing. I like to paint my nails, sure, but I like to keep them short. And the thought of having long daggers attached to my fingers makes me break out in a sweat. How do you function with them? How do you not freak out about tearing them off. EEEEEEEKKKK! That just makes me shudder in horror.

But despite that I think these are strangely beautiful. Especially the floral ones. They are all part of a nail art exhibition called Nailphilia so go check it out if that floats your boat!

(Images via Stylist)

Butter Wouldn't Melt

I'm thinking that butterscotch is probably an impossible colour to carry off. Especially for milky-fleshed blondes.


(Via Selfridges)

But this Alexander Wang dress has me drooling. Don't worry, I'll clear it up. I promise. (Slurp.)

Hell for Leather

In much the same vein, if there was one item of clothing that wasn't suited to my thighs it would be leather leggings.



But look how cool they are.



Could I not just order a new pair of thighs to go with them. You know, like "other things you might want to put in your basket".


(Via Matches)

Coz that would be beyond fabulous.

Going Against Type

Do you ever have a style that absolutely doesn't suit you but you love it nontheless? Well, I've managed to find a whole collection. None of these clothes could be less suited to me but I love them all the same. So dramatic and dark and seductive. Typically Belgian designers work an aesthetic that just doesn't suit me. I'm far to English rose/fleshy to work such a mean look. And Haider Ackermann runs true to form with a collection that no matter how much I lust after will never work for me. Which is a shame.




























(Via Style.com)