Hatzzzzzzzzzzz Off

Well, my darling, I have returned, and I am more than happy that the sun has got his hat on, hip-hip-hip-hooray, etc. as it does rather soften the blow of the heinous post-holiday blues that have inflicted me.

And even more fortuitously I have just returned from Peru, which is, I was previously unwaware, the centre of hat innovations™. (This might be apochryphal.) I saw some hats out there. Let. Me. Tell. You. !!!

Take a look at these little treats:

I won't even get started on the skirts. Talk about creating curves...

Anyhoo, I disgress. Let's take a look at your little treaticle... Now, first things first, I am 100% on side with Mrs. T and the need for covering up the face. Not in an MJ freakishly shrouding his anklebiters in sheets kind of way, but I am a firm believer that a little shade cast by the brim of a dashing hat will work no end of good in the never ending fight against haggard-dom.

I won't show you the hat I wore to shade my face while I was away as you would probably refuse to take any fashion advice from me ever again. Yours is infinitely more stylish. I think you could carry it off delightfully, as long as you didn't wear it with yesterday's outfit otherwise I would spend all our time distractedly wondering when you were going to whip out a cane and burst into There's no business like show business, like no business I know. Everything about it is appealing... etc. etc. ad infinitum... but otherwise charming. I just maybe wish it wasn't quite so white. You know?

Also, my love, I couldn't possibly sue you for going back on your word about prescription sunnies because I have to make a confession that while I am now wading through my fourth decade I am not yet a responsible adult in any way and have gone global with my ability to leave sunglasses around the countryside wily nily by leaving a pair (indeed, this pair) somewhere in deepest, darkest Peru. Just as well I didn't buy the McQueens, huh?

The sun has got his/her hat on...

...Which is a pleasure isn't it?! But! Does it means that I should have a hat on too? My mother would say YES because she is all for taking precautions when dabbling in a bit of UV. But I'm not so sure.

(Image via Topshop)

I am constantly drawn to these trilbys. I'm not interested in a straw cowboy number. I'm not going to a festival or Ibiza for heaven's sake! I am keen on this one though.

But is it all a bit Richard off of Keeping Up Appearances? (See over Hyacinth's shoulder on right for comparison.)

Uh oh, I'm in trouble

Yeah man! Shampoo! I always thought the really blonde one looked kind of OK you know. The other one, not so much. Anyway though, sooooo, you know I'm always harping on about it being a COMPLETE and UTTER waste of frock funds to shell out for prescription sunnies? Yeah? Well ignore everything I have ever said. I bought these bad boys yesterday.

I am a contrary Mary. So sue me!*

*Don't though will you because they cost quite a bit and so I don't have much money left to cover legal expenses and all that. Just like, punch me on the arm for telling you not to buy these or something, yeah? OK!

Ahhhhhh-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah

Yeah yeah, I'm back. Brilliant. It's POURING down in London and I am still damp to the shin region from my schlep in to work this morning so I'm not in the best of moods. And there is a really weird smell coming from beneath my desk which is driving me mad. It's not completely unpleasant but it's unusual and I fear change and I don't understand why it is here. So I am slightly distracted and blue.

So whilst I was happy and in Florence I noticed that bloody loads of the Euro Teens are Aztec-ing it up. Really? Do we HAVE to do this again? I understand we're doing the 80's trend thing(serious, 80's is the 'big trend' at least once a year now, does that mean it's still accurate to call it 80's? It's just a sort of perma-bad-taste-era thing isn't it?). I am FINE with shoulder pads. Good, fine. I am not OK with an Aztec print. It's all too Mysterious Cities of Gold for my liking. I couldn't BEAR that programme as a kid and it went on for like, absolutely EVER. Gah!

American Apparel (which I can now pronounce, but still can't work out of I like or absolutely loathe) really want to sell us some Aztec shiz.

(Images via American Apparel)

The Harem pants offend me in particular.

Tango in the Night

Right that's me done! I'm heading up to York for the Hen now...I am this colour.

(Images via Daily Mail AGAIN)

My hands look radioactive. NO ONE is going to notice my textural issues when they clap their eyes on my palms, my work is done.

And then I'm off to Florence. Normal service will resume a week on Monday. See you then! x

The Whole Hogg

Pam! Pammy Pam Pam. Seriously Pam! Paaaaaam. You adorable space age, shrink wrapped Zandra Rhodeseque loon! What gives with dragging the jumpsuits out all over again? And shoehorning poor old Peaches in to one when she has been doing so WELL?

I saw this Claire person bacofoiled up and I thought you might have something to do with it! But it's not the actual outfit that causes me the most grief. I'm happy to see you back actually. No, what offends me most is that I can see the gussety reinforced part of Peaches' hose drooping out from underneath the hotpantish bit. Could you not have helped her hoick those bad boys up a bit Pammy and avoided that whole mess? The devil is in the detail after all. I am bored by these bits popping up on show. Last week I spied a teen in deim hotpants with American Tan tights underneath (suggestion: if it is cold enough to warrant the wearing of a tight perhaps it's too chill for the short also...just a thought. )



Anyway that shorty bit up top (you know what I mean. I have no idea what to brand it as) was WAAAAAAY down below her actual short. It's not a good look. And sadly for us - although not for you Pamela my love - teens are well in to her Peachyness and will follow suit I'm sure, thinking that getting this extra hose-short out on display is de rigueur. I weep for the future. I really do.

(Images via Daily Mail)

Today's Gaga

Let's start the morning with our favourite American Barmpot Popstrel for starters.

(Image via Daily Mail)
Bam!

But! ALWAYS remember your posture Gaga. (Is she doing the weird heels-too-large/high-lunge there?) And is her hair a little too reminiscent of a Coton de Tulear? Oh hell! Who cares? She's shoulder to ankle in magenta sequins. What's not to love?

Heeeeere Kitty Kitty!

And so! I am left in charge.

Enjoy Peru dearest...don't worry about a THING.... I've got it aaaaaaall covered. (This thing will be all fake tan this and mirrored shoes that within the week you just watch).

Mwuh-ha-ha-ha!

So Long, Farewell, Auf Wiedersehen, Adieu!

I am off to Peru! See you in a couple of weeks!

It's Just, A Little Crush, Not Like I Feint.....

...Wait! I have never touched Julia Roitfeld so I don't know if I would feint if we're going to get all FACTY about it. I doubt it, but I can't completely count it out. So.....

Anyway, isn't she just THE HOTNESS? In a majorly major way. Woah. There. Roitfeld. The. Younger. Hang on un moment and let us catch our collective breaths! What a darling. And her BROW! Divine! There's a segment in this month's UK Vogue that I literally poured over. Gorgeousness! There are fabulous photos of her and her apartement at The Selby (which I just love).

I would seriously like some great big woolly mammoth coat to just like, spraaaawl on a bed in. Envy!

I Bloomin' Well Told You So!

Tee, hee! I am so glad that you have come around to my way of thinking!

I also really like RhiRhi for her maverick-dom, but I won't push it. I'll happily take my one victory for now!

Contrary Bloody Mary's

Right. So. Last week I watched that film, whaddya call it. Damn it, I need to google it...hang on...Burn After Reading, that's it. Man! I love the God damn internet! Woo! Yeah!

So I watched that and I LOVED it. I even asked The Head if we could watch it again which caused him to tilt his head to one side like a little pooch. (He did not prick one ear up or wag his tail.) We didn't, I wasn't 100% serious, I mostly wanted to see the reaction I'd get. Which is an approach I might start applying to life in general akshully).

(Image via DK Images)

I'm taking an extraordinarily long time to say that I fell a bit in love with Tilda Swinton after seeing that film. And I get now how she can be forgiven turning up to so many events technically wearing costume rather than real live clothes. The woman is phenomenal. Well, I don't know HER but I mean she has rilly great skin and I like her voice a lot sooo...you know...PHENOMENAL! Anyway. For the first time I like what she is wearing. I'm not sure if it's because I like her voice or because I actually like her outfit, but who cares! Here it is:

Nice. So now Rhianna has taken over the mantle as Fashion Contrary Mary extraordinaire. I mean, for the love of GOD! Just piling on loads of random items that don't look so great by themselves does not a trendsetter make. No. I am bored of it already. And I like her voice too so there really is nowhere for RhiRi and I to go from here. Gah!

(Images via GFY)

Great Scott!

Er, yeah! You say it as though it's a bad thing. I have loads just ready go go go! Don't you? I'm constanly waiting for a cue!

The Head certainly knows now. But I mean for real, if loving Scott is wrong, then man! I don't wanna be right.

(Look you've made him sad now.)

Oi! I'm On to You!

(Image via Ads of the World)

I was confused. I scratched my head and furrowed my brow. Why ever is she posting about something so lackadaisically? I could not work it out for the life of me.

Then I looked further. I have nothing to say about these pumps (curious) except that it gives me an excuse to post a picture that oops! I just happen to have saved on my desktop in case of any mermaid based emergencies, of a bronzed Australian rhombus-faced beef cake without much clothing (ah! Suddenly everything becomes clear).

Are you in the habit of trawling the internet cruising for pictures of cakes of the meaty variety? I have an image in my head now of hundreds of pictures of hot young things jostling for your attention all squeezed on to your desktop.

Nice try, but you've been rumbled! Does the Head know what you've been up to?

Scaling Back

(Image via Faith)

I have nothing to say about these pumps. Apart from that they are scaly and bright just like Scott Michaelson's fishy merman tail in this snap I have saved to my desktop.

Whisper it. I love Scott Michaelson a little bit I know it's wrong but I do.

I dig his almost hexagonal face, man.

(I can't for the life of me remember where this picture came from, sorry sorry.)