I feel pretty, oh so pretty!

Oh my darling! Behold this little treat that has just been delivered to my desk! I think it might be love!

But what's that, pretty little thing? What's that you say? Oh, speak up, do, let me here the inherent wisdom nestling amongst your silky blue sleeves! I must know what you have to say.

Shoes, you ask! What possible little treat could adorn my feet that would live up to your unabashed glory? What a terribly good question! And how sweet of you to consider it, little dress, you are truly kind as well as beautiful! I will ask my good friend Mrs. Rowan, for she will undoubtedly have the question ready at her finger tips.

Won't she!

Tsk, tsk, tsk!

Oh Jil, I thought better of you. What a shame that you have let yourself down so unreservedly.

Those shoes look as though someone with a perfectly nice, if slightly conservative black shoe, has fallen foot-long into inconveniently positioned wet cement laid without a second thought to erecting a warning sign. Then, after being agressively impeded from removing it until set hard for some reason, a kind passer by volunteers his services with some sort of heavy duty power tool (I am assuming here that ear defenders would be an obligatory part of the ensuing mayhem) leaving sharp, clunky hunks of cement at the bottom of the poor woman's pegs. Bereft by the hideous state of her shoes she knows she must leave her former life behind her, realising that the only option now open to her is to start an all female Kraftwerk tribute band by setting a similarly cementy trap for other poor unfortunates.

I'm guessing that isn't what actually happened. Maybe poor Jil just fell and hit her head. Badly.

Is the Ugly Shoe this seasons frock/top/coat with a valance? I am beginning to suspect it might well be. This shoe offended me this morning. They remind me of Nicholas Lyndhurst in an ill fitting suit. All angles at the top and excessive and unnecessary volume at the bottom. I mean LOOK at them. Naughty Jill Sander for thinking they were a good idea.

Ugliest items of 2009 - part 2

Oooh! I think you might be right. It is like shooting fish in a barrel finding the ugly items, isn't it?

Here is a case in point with these monstrosities. Thanks to Miss Annie Keddie for pointing them out.

21 Jump Street

I mean, yeah...I'm being all 21 Jump Street man! But the truth is I've never even seen that show. I just know that Johnny Depp was in it and it ran at the time that Just Seventeen was my bible. And I liked those times. Such innocent, sweet times where you could while away hours listening to The Joshua Treet by candlelight whilst plotting how to get your mate to dump her boyf so that he was free for you to hook up with him at the next school disco. That was just me? Yikes! Let's never speak of this again and instead let's turn our attention to Johnny's Adam's apple. I am really aware of it in that picture. I can't recall being THAT aware of his throat mechanics before, have you?

Anyhoo! I love that jumpsuit/pantsuit gorgeousness. Is the leg long and shoe covering? This is an academic question really Kerrkins as I know you wouldn't opt for a flapping pant hem, but I just think it's worth pointing out that these things only seem work if the pants are floor skimming. And the shoes you plan to wear are killer. I secretly covet them. I would go for something really brash and foul for the jewellery, you're right. Am I becoming tediously predictable? I do hope not. But then perhaps a pearl might be more sensible. Anything too fug jewel wise could make you look a bit too costumey in a superhero kind of way and although you'd be a really hot superhero, it's not a look one would intentionally go for is it? No do pearls. Bravo though I love it. I have no idea what a hat party is but no matter. Does it do exactly what it says on the tin?

Ugliest items of 2009 - part 1

I would like to propose the start of a regular item that we can compile over the year. The most hideous items that we spy with our little eyes that cannot, and will not, go without judgement.

To start us off as we mean to go on, I present the Yves Saint Laurent caged boot.

There are no words. Honestly. Not a sausage.

To jump or not to jump...?

Darling, I must know your thoughts on this immediately. Yes, I know it is a jumpsuit, a terrifying word liable to make the most adventurous of ladies break out in a cold sweat, and I know it is satin, which will similarly distress all those not adverse to a snack or two, but I think it is utterly Busby Berkeley fabulous.

I am attending a hat party in a couple of weeks, and I have the most sublime little feathered, be-veiled concoction that I want to wear. I think a hat like that cries out wantonly for a costumey outfit to accompany it, and I think I might have hit the jackpot with this. I would wear it with those ludicrous heels that I bought for my sister's wedding before I succumbed to the Miu Mius, and probably a couple of ropes of pearls around the wrists, although I imagine you would advise something nastier on the jewellery front. And then naturally the smokiest eye known to humanity, darker even than my blackest mood on a dark day in February.

So spill. But before you do so I should warn you that I have already bought it (although the tags are still on) and I have just eaten something for lunch with the word SUPERFOOD in the title (oh the horror!), in an effort to look slightly more fabulous in it, so temper your comments accordingly if you would.